In the last post I covered that Bill had quit the chemo and radiation after a week of treatment. I don’t think that we realized how strong chemo is. For weeks after stopping the chemo he has been weak, he has been tired, we have been scared. Three weeks after he quit the treatment his hair began to fall out. It fell out in large clumps. Every time he brushed his hair or took a shower more clumps fell out. After a couple of weeks of losing so much hair, my daughter came over and shaved off what little bit he had left. Now he is depressed about his hair and the panic attacks haven’t gone away.
The panic attacks became so intense that he was afraid to leave the house. In fact, he was afraid to leave the bed for a couple of weeks. All trips to the bathroom (10 feet from our bed) have been as quick as he could possibly take care of business. It took probably 3 or 4 days for him to make it to the shower. About a week after he was finally able to make it to the shower, he made it outside to the mailbox- probably less than a 50 foot walk from our bed. I don’t know which is worse, the panic attacks or the depression. I had been missing his sense of humor, even if it was sometimes on the biting side. I was just hoping to see signs of life return to him, that spark, even a flicker of his wickedness would have brought a lot of relief. I had to do this, I had to make him well or at least survive for as long as I could push it myself. I just hope that my hands can heal the same way my great-grandmother’s hands were said to heal.
I remember when I was a kid I have heard tales of people bringing their sick children to my great-grandmother for her to heal them. I guess that she must have done a good job. I know that I would not be here if it weren’t for her “healing hands”. My mother and aunt were twins, when they were born in 1938 each weighing just over 2lbs, the hospital sent them home to die because there was nothing that could be done for them. My great-grandfather built incubators that eventually became kitchen cabinets, because in those days you didn’t waste anything. My grandmother was horribly ill during her entire pregnancy and wasn’t well for a time afterward. My great-grandmother made baby formula from Karo Syrup and Evaporated milk, which apparently was somewhat common in the day.
But I digress, I am putting my faith into my hands. This is a huge responsibility because there is probably a larger percentage than not that I will screw up. However, the doctors’ treatments only gave him a 1-5% chance of living 2-5 years. The doctor told us 6 months to 2 years without the treatment. So, I figure if I can get him a year without being sick then I have truly accomplished something. I don’t know how others feel about this line of reasoning. We don’t know if this is the right way to go and we are still doing a lot of second guessing, but we are also still regretting the chemo. So there are not a lot of other ways for us to move.
We have had a million suggestions for “cures”, which I wrote about in an earlier post. I think that if we had an endless budget we would try a lot of other “cures”, but we have quite a limited budget now that we have lost his income. I have been giving him Arsenicum Album (homeopathic arsenic) on the advice of a relative that happens to be a homeopathic practitioner. I have been making him a tea every night that is made from ginger, lemon, honey, and the Jason Winters’ Original Blend with Chaparral Tea. All of the ingredients that go into that mix have been recommended by multiple sources. I have him taking vitamin D and Turmeric, besides his multiple vitamin. I have him drinking water that has been “imprinted” with colloidal silver, I have been giving him oxygenated water (which we’re nearly out of), I have been putting water in a cup with a particular stone that was recommended to me because of its vibration, but I don’t remember what the stone is. I have found some videos on YouTube of different frequencies and meditations that are supposed to help your brain turn on your internal cancer fighting mechanisms. I don’t know what’s working and what isn’t, but I know that I am afraid to stop anything.
Since the end of March, when my brother-in-law died, my husband had lost over 100lbs. During and after the chemo he was so weak that he could barely get out of bed. He still is having issues with panic attacks, but he is doing better. He has been able to drop me off at work on Fridays and pick me up on Sundays. He can’t go alone, he has been having to take one of the kids with him. I think he’s afraid that something is going to happen and he won’t be able to call 911. However, it seems that having someone, anyone with him keeps him calm enough to make the trip. He suddenly in the last 2 weeks has had an appetite! He has actually gained 6lbs. Bill seems to be getting stronger and not quite as pale. I’m feeling good about these things, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t have setbacks.
A few nights ago he got into a coughing fit as people with lung cancer will do. I think it got out of hand and a panic attack ensued. Because then he couldn’t catch his breath at all. I ended up calling 911. I learned a few things. #1 the phone rings for what feels like forever. #2 they don’t keep you on the line the whole time here like they do in other places. #3 I could hear the sirens in the distance before I got off the phone. #4 the fire department can make it to my house ion approximately 3 minutes. #4 the ambulance takes about 2 minutes longer to get here. #5 sometimes you get better by the time the paramedics make it to you (but I also know that sometimes you die before they get there. I’ve seen that first hand, but that’s not a story for today). Our kids had walked to the convenience store to get ice water, on the way home they could see the ambulance for an entire block while walking home. Needless to say they were a little freaked out by the time they got home. Overall, I think we are making progress.
As of this moment I have some hope. I am still scared. I feel pretty stressed, but I try to by-pass the stress and just feel happy for this very moment. I have worries beyond life and death, I have money troubles galore, and I have been burning the candle at both ends between work and school. I feel exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes I even feel inadequate. But I must push, that’s what I have to do, there are no options and there is no failure. I need to keep moving forward, it’s push, push, push, and then push some more. It’s life in the fast lane, but not in a fun way. I may be down, and I may be bent, but I’m not going to break. I am strong and my power is infinite. I will not lay down and let cancer beat us! Yes, I probably cry too much, or too easily sometimes, but I also remember to laugh and to love and those are the most important things that we need to do in this life!!! Go right now and tell someone that you love them, even if it’s just your facebook friends or your cat. Love is healthy, love is strong, love keeps us moving and breathing, and love is the answer! Namaste!
ohlifeweb 